The Beatings Will Continue

I am here trying to get the vision of a stance out of my head, the one where your arms are up and crossed as you try to protect your head from a beating. That is how I feel right now as I struggle under the weight of all that is around me. Much as I have tried to hold my head up and stay positive, I am amazed that I can still feel so beaten down. Aren't positive thoughts and positive behavior supposed to make us feel better? I am busy every day, taking care of my house and my children and diligently working on my job search. I am determined to find work and I will not stray from my task. I continue to eat right and exercise because I worked so hard to lose weight and I intend to keep it off naturally. Most importantly, I endeavor to keep my wits about me and I still believe that karma will work toward my greater good even though it does not seem that way:

As I struggle to pay down my debt, all of it from an unfortunate business venture, I am riddled with notices of increased interest rates and increased payments even though I have faithfully made ample payments on time for years. Meanwhile, these financial institutions who were given billions of dollars in bailouts when their businesses failed continue to stomp on the very taxpayer who came to their rescue.

I struggle to come to terms with my new "consumer-driven" health insurance plan, a plan that does not pay for any visits beyond the sanctioned annual check ups but was chosen by my husband's company because they claim that they can no longer afford a traditional plan. Meanwhile, I watch the Congress lose sight of any legitimate reform that could actually cut costs or provide meaningful affordable coverage to those of us who truly need it.

As I struggle to find a decent job, I reflect on my ivy league education and ponder what it is worth. I try to prevent myself from staring at that huge gap in my resume where I stayed home after I had my second child. The childcare math does not add up when you hit number two because the childcare costs for two children, at least in New York, eats up a significant chunk of your paycheck. So many of us women choose not to sacrifice the welfare of our children for a few extra bucks but a difficult job market effectively discriminates against anyone who has been out for too long. Though I was fortunate to find a job last year, the economic crisis crashed my tenure so I do not appear as viable on paper when compared to those other consummate professionals out there.

The reality that we are earning less today than we did near the beginning of this decade strikes a chord right here in my household. I don't need statistics to drive this point home as I wrestle daily with the spreadsheet I use to manage my cash flow. I wish I wasn't so black and blue but my hands are not up there protecting my head for nothing. I am hoping that the black and white of these words will be cathartic and so I leave them.